The August Surprise…

I was packing up to leave Denver after the Democratic National Convention when the Republicans showed us media types how they hoped to grab that percentage of Sen. Hillary Clinton’s voters that friends of mine kept asking me to smack in the back of the head last week.

The Hottest Governor in America!

(Boy, does this make the Vice Presidential Debate Must See TV!)

When CNN showed the political rally Sen. John McCain used to introduce the world to Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, I didn’t have much time to pay attention because I didn’t want to miss my plane.

But my friend Vince hopped on Philly.com and did some research. Before she became Gov. Palin, she was mayor of her hometown, a sports journalist, a high school basketball star, a life member of the National Rifle Association and, wait for it, a beauty queen.

(What the hell is it with John McCain, beauty queens and models? He’s like a bad “Sex and the City” character. If he wanted someone pretty that he could control as president, why didn’t he just put his wife Cindy on the ticket?)

Friends of mine who are active Democrats started popping champagne and making their hotel reservations for the Inaugural in January after getting that information. In light of Barack Obama’s speech (which won its time slot on Thursday night ratings-wise by the way) and a successful DNC, the road to the White House looked a lot clearer to them. I’ll address why that’s a bad supposition to make later.

Then news kept coming out that showed that maybe the McCain campaign didn’t do the vetting job that they should have before they selected this chick.

For example, she wound up issuing a statement saying that her 17-year-old daughter Bristol is five months pregnant and plans on marrying the 18-year-old father, Levi Johnston. (Because Mom is a life member of the NRA, I’m guessing that a shotgun will figure into this somehow.)

This statement was designed to counteract internet rumors that Palin’s last child, 4-month-old Trig, was actually her daughter’s kid, but it was really far too much information.

To his credit, Obama immediately declared this off limits in terms of campaign hits. Attacking families, especially kids, is beyond the pale, he said. Besides, his mom was 18 when she had him.

I can agree with that, but let’s keep it real. While it’s understood that you’re trying to run a different kind of campaign, one that’s trying to focus on the issues, if you were the parent dealing with an ‘oops’ moment like this, Sen. Obama, you and yours wouldn’t get the same courtesy.

That’s because if the poster child for why Abstinence Only sex education, which Sarah Palin espouses, doesn’t work were, say, Chelsea Clinton or Malia or Sasha Obama instead of Bristol Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and all of the right wing storm troopers would have a field day on this kid, her parents, and anyone connected to this. Ms. Clinton already knows this. When Rush Limbaugh calls you ‘ugly’ on his nationwide program when you’re 13, that tells you where you stand.

(But if Michelle shoots them her “black mama look”, they may think twice. Well, maybe not Rush. She might have to smack him around. He’s not very bright.)

But two things bother me much more than this: (a)It’s obvious that McCain isn’t running his campaign, the right wing of the Republican Party is and (b)the fact that Sarah Palin has the same “abuse of power problem” that President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have.

First of all, I’m pretty sure that before Obama put Joseph Biden on his ticket as the VP nominee, he went through Biden’s record from top to bottom. His vetting committee probably went to Delaware, Scranton, Pa., and anywhere else Biden had spent any real time getting the skinny on this guy. If anything embarassing or election-costing would have come up, he would have been left off of the ticket.

Wanna know the vetting process for Sarah Palin? A 70-question questionnaire, and two phone coversations, one of which was the one that McCain made to invite her to the VP nomination party.

She wasn’t his first choice. Wasn’t even his second. His first two choices were, according to the New York Times, Sen. Joseph Lieberman or former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge. But when you’re running as the standard bearer for a party that wants to control women’s reproductive functions as badly as the Republican Party does, having a pro-choice guy on the ticket isn’t going to cut it with the right wing base.

(So much for that “maverick” shit.)

Now if you’re not allowed to make a simple decision like a running mate on your own, how many decisions for the country are you going to be able to make without consulting your right-wing masters? I’m guessing as many as George W. Bush was allowed to…which is why the country is so fucked up now.

And secondly, I’m pretty sure that Alaska’s constitution doesn’t allow the governor to fire a state trooper or have one fired just because he’s leaving his or her sister.

Sarah Palin is under investigation in Alaska for firing the Public Safety director in Alaska because he refused to fire her soon to be ex-brother-in-law. In addition to the fact that this is a dumb move from her sister’s standpoint because you can’t collect alimony from someone who’s unemployed, it seems that the powers that be in Alaska believe this constitutes abuse of power.

Gee, ya think?

Considering that we already have two people occupying the nation’s two highest offices who have a problem with the constitution, namely that exists at all, bringing in someone who (a) doesn’t really know what the vice president does and (b) believes in imperial power, might be a bad idea.

But despite all of the negatives that Sarah Palin brings to this ticket, I’d put that champagne back on ice.

In fact, I wouldn’t go anywhere near a liquor store until November 5th, Obama fans.

Why? Because I’ve seen the American public elect George W. Bush president twice, so it seems to me that being a lightweight doesn’t seem to mess you up much with them if you’re running under the Banner of the Elephant.

Besides, and this is another let’s keep it real moment, remember that the man at the top of the Democratic Ticket is black. If you think that there aren’t people in America who will glom onto this chick to keep a black man out of office, you’re sadly mistaken.

And don’t even get me started on the Hillary voters who are willing to throw everything she supposedly espouses under the bus to make sure that Obama doesn’t get elected because they believe that a vote for McCain brings them one step closer to having what they want: her ascendance in 2012.

Also, they want a woman in the White House so badly that they can’t see that this might not be the right woman. When you’re blinded by hatreds that you can’t coherently articulate (I talked to some PUMAs in Denver) you also can’t see when your intelligence is being insulted.

(I really, really want to know where these bitches were when Shirley Chisholm ran for president. Oh, yeah, I know. A white woman has to be the first for it to be legitimate to them. Sorry, I forgot. That’s why I’ve also forgotten about feminism.)

So my suggestion to you Obama fans is that you remember that 60-plus days is a long time and show it the reverence it deserves.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to apply for my credential for the Vice Presidential Debate. This I’ve gotta see live…..