It must be in the water

Except for layovers when I’m headed south, I’ve never been to South Carolina.

I know folks who live there and they say it’s nice, so I’ve gotta take their word for it. I applied for a job at the state’s main newspaper, The State, once, and the folks were nice to me when I talked with them. I didn’t get the job, but at least I had a good interview.

Because South Carolina contains Myrtle Beach, I know that I’ll get there eventually because any place with a beach is a-ok with me.

But when I do, I’ll be bringing my own water, thank you.

Why? Because if the politicians that represent South Carolina are any indication, President Obama needs to send an EPA Emergency Response Team down there with the quickness. Someone’s septic tank obviously went nuts and the water around the state house has something wrong with it.

For those of you who have managed to miss South Carolina’s political faux pas, here’s a rundown:

*Thanks to South Carolina’s Governor Mark Sanford, we have a whole new meaning for the phrase “hiking the Appalachian Trail.” You see, that’s where Sanford told folks he was when he went missing for a few days in June. In truth, he was nowhere near the Appalachian Trail, unless the trail now stretches as far as Buenos Aires, which is where Sanford was holed up with his mistress and “soul mate” Maria Belen Chapur. Unlike some politicial wives, Sanford’s wife Jenny figured out how she wanted to solve a problem like Maria: she kicked her hiking hubby to the curb.

*Next we have Congressman Joe Wilson of South Carolina, who made news on Sept. 9 when he shouted “You lie!” at President Obama during a speech he was making to a joint session of Congress regarding health care reform. Depending on which side of the fence you sit, Wilson was either totally disrespectful or your new hero. All I have to say is this: no one shouted “You lie!” at President Bush during the eight years that he got behind a microphone and said things that some of us would definitely consider whoppers. I’m just sayin’….

*But during the Sanford imbroglio, I found myself asking why no one was calling for his impeachment, not because he had an affair, but because he had abandoned his office.

I have since found out why Sanford is still in office. It’s because even South Carolinians aren’t ready for Andre Bauer to be their next head of state.

Why? Because it’s bad enough you have a governor who’s geographically challenged. Why have one who doesn’t appear to know the difference between stray animals and poor people…or maybe he doesn’t think there is one…

He’s since apologized to the citizens of South Carolina for making all Southern grandmothers look bad, but Bauer’s on the record for this crap. In fact, one of his opponents has pretty much said “I can’t do no more!”

Wow. Just wow.

Don’t get me wrong. I live in Pennsylvania, a place that has some foibles of its own. I mean, we did have a politician shoot himself in the head on live televison because he was being indicted (Google Bud Dwyer but avoid the video.),we have a legislature that tends to vote in illegal pay raises for itself, we haven’t had a state budget passed on time for as long as I can remember, and the former mayor of the city I call home, Philadelphia, had an FBI bug in his office.

But the next time that I complain about my representatives here, I’ll remember that it could be worse.

I could be living in South Carolina.

But look at the bright side: as long as it exists, Jon Stewart will always have material….

Thank You, South Carolina – Andre Bauer
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